it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
