Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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