He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
