Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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