Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
