before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
