May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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