my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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