my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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