These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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