Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
