i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
