i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
