There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
