all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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