i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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