there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
