1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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