I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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