I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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