I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
