So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
