I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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