half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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