You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
