Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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