I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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