Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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