we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
