FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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