I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
