too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
zippers are such a cool invention
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
