did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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