I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
