it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
