Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
