Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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