im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
