I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
