I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
