Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
