you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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