so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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