Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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