Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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