Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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