My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
