I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
