I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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