why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
